Sunday, April 5, 2015

Comfortably Numb

(originally posted by Wendi)

Frank has been strongly encouraging me to write a new post here, and I have been finding it difficult. I hope you will all forgive me. Our days are often filled with appointments where little things go well and little things go wrong and by the end of the day all we do is eat, clean, and sleep. And talk to other parents. And hope Bella doesn't get in trouble while I'm doing something else. And make sure Mark takes all his medicines. And check out Facebook. And play candy crush when it's late and I can't sleep.

There really is no excuse.

Except that I am numb.

I didn't quite realize it until today, but it makes sense. It is why I can keep moving forward. It is why I can hear about the bills that are stacking up and the struggles of our fire department that are making it unsure where we will be living, and just shrug. It is why I know the names of most of the children receiving care here, and can ask each day how they're doing and can be present to them in that moment, but then walk away to do what needs to be done without taking all of the pain with me. It is why I don't become completely incapacitated being this far from home without the rest of my family. It is why I can watch Mark's hair fall out a little at a time until he's almost bald, reminding me every time I look at him that the things we are doing to him are harsh and hurting him in ways that we will continue to discover for years to come, but still smile at him every time so that he isn't scared or worried. It is why I can put every ounce of my being into tracking medicines, appointments, side effects, temperatures, even though the world outside continues to turn and other things call for my attention. It is why I can conceal my panic everytime he trips, or forgets something I know he used to know, or struggles to complete a sentence. It is why I can read the posts of other moms who have kids that have gone through this treatment 1, 3, 5, 15 years ago, and hear their struggles and late effects and not just run away with my family to hide in the mountains, far from everyone and everything, and most of all far away from this. This treatment. This cancer. Although the cancer would come with, but perhaps we could pretend for awhile?

So I apologize that I am numb. That I don't post as often as I should. That I don't call my friends or family as often as I should. That my prayer life is flat. That I do not read or study or spend every moment thinking about the very best way to school my children or please God or do any of the other things that would usually come so naturally (obsessively?) for me. I am truly sorry. I'm not even sure that I truly feel like me right now. I'm not sure that I truly feel much of anything. But I am here, and I am able to be strong, and perhaps this is me after all. Just a different me. And this was never meant to sound defensive. I know you all understand. But I haven't. Until now.

29 comments:

  1. No doubt this is an experience that will shape you and mold you into a stronger, more insightful person, as it will all of you. Thus is life, this time it just happens to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do/occupy your life and mind with. Baptism by fire in it's truest form is immersing you all, but I am confident that you all will make it out to see the light of day and regain some order and calmness in your lives again. You are all in our thoughts, especially Mark. Just remember that no matter what else is going on that love from a family heals the most. So you are doing everything right. Don't forget to breath, get some rest and get fresh air everyday and everything else will work itself out. <3

    By Tristina Yarzombek — last edited Apr 8, 2015 12:48am

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  2. We pray for you and Mark and the family every day.

    By Leann . — Apr 6, 2015 1:31pm

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  3. You probably don't have time to check, but the Classical Conversations *Official discussion group is full of prayers for you and your family. At a time like this, you can only fall into His arms, exhausted and wordless and loved.

    By Jennifer Courtney — Apr 6, 2015 11:24am

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  4. Wendi, I admire you and Frank. God puts such trials as you are experiencing only on the strongest of us. I believe that the numbness you feel, the different me, are the beginning stages of truly letting go and letting God. It's how you can be strong, and present, and compassionate in the moment for others even though your world seems to be caving in on you. You may feel that your spiritual life is flat, among other things, but that also comes from God's hand. He is at work in your life. And I believe that He will give you joy in the midst of your circumstances. You may not even understand how or why, but I believe He will.

    By Marliss Bombardier — Apr 6, 2015 10:37am

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  5. As I was reading this post, I was struck how frank it was...but of course it was not Frank, but Wendi, being frank. And back home, Frank is likely trying to be Wendi, too, with keeping the home fires burning metaphorically (and not burning at the same time). [Thought a bit of levity might be appreciated, although it's difficult in writing.]
    Glad you two have each other as marriage partners through this very challenging time. Glad you also have God's graces of the sacrament of marriage to help sustain you, and remember that those graces also extend to the fruits of your marriage -- your wonderful children. (I learned that during reconciliation at King's House last month!) We'll keep you all in our prayers!

    By Warren Djerf — Apr 6, 2015 8:27am

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  6. Wendi, sending prayers and hugs for you and Mark. I went through the numbness whale taking care of my wife, it's not easy. Just keep putting one foot in front of another, you'll make it. Hugs from CT

    By Roger Tarre — Apr 6, 2015 6:59am

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  7. From one cancer mom to another, I hear you. Beautifully written. One day at a time......until you hear the sweet words "NED" you can do it. I am so glad we met at RMH last month

    By Gaylene and Hannah (7) xx — Apr 6, 2015 3:35am

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  8. Wendi, the numbness is a human coping mechanism, that is why you feel it. You have to get through this incredibly demanding and draining situation without falling apart into a puddle of fear and tears and denial. It is what keeps you strong for your children in need. You have nothing to apologize for, I only wish I could give more tangible support somehow. For now, you have my thoughts and prayers and well-wishes and love, you and your family. If you can't write, I understand. You are not a bad friend, you are an incredible mother giving your all for your child in need, as would I, and I'd be as numb as you are. It's how you get through. I hope you are getting enough support for yourself. Love you! ((((hugs))))

    By Erin Johnson — Apr 6, 2015 1:35am

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  9. Dear dear Wendi...thank the Lord for the calm and for His grace. You and the whole family are in my prayers. I love you all very much.

    By Katherine — Apr 6, 2015 1:09am

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  10. Hi Wendi. Don't worry so much about keeping us updated even tho we enjoy reading them and always want to know what's going on. You are an excellent mommy and are always doing your best- much better than what many of us could or would do. And of course u are numb. How could u not be? Your calmness and your patience and grace are amazing! We all really admire you and appreciate what u are doing and what u guys are going through. God bless u and remember to take enough for u time to de-stress as much as possible. I love u all and pray for Mark's quick and total healing. Hugs!

    By nancy — Apr 6, 2015 12:42am

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  11. We love you Wendy! Hang in there!

    By Cheryl McGinley — Apr 6, 2015 12:29am

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  12. You remind me of a mother - Mother Theresa, to be specific. She, too, struggled with numbness as she cared for the sick and poor to an extent far beyond what most would be able to endure. Your exquisite care of Mark is your prayer right now. Rest assured that God is pleased. As for thinking and feeling - well, others are doing a lot of that for you at this time. Give yourself permission to let that be OK for now.

    By The Phelans — Apr 6, 2015 12:07am

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  13. Constant prayers for you all for healing for Mark or the ability to endure and grace and rest for your weary hearts! He is with you every step!

    Psalm 34:19King James Version (KJV)

    19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

    By Kim Sevier — Apr 5, 2015 11:58pm

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  14. You are not alone. My life was turned upside down on October 2, 2014 when our 4 year old son had a massive brain hemorrhage. We were told he would not make it and actually had a funeral planned, but his repeat MRIs looked better before we withdrew care. We spent 12 weeks in the hospital - 7 locally and 5 out of state. Our daily routine has changed drastically and we spend hours commuting to therapies and appointments. Our older two boys have had to go with less attention and no routine. Our son has relearned how to talk but still does not walk or move his arms much. I am still numb and struggle just to get through the day. We won't know how much recovery he will have until he stops recovering. We are thankful for the struggle but also yearn for our heavenly home where there will be no more pain. Your post tonight was very touching. Thank you for sharing. Your son and your family will remain in our prayers.

    By Mandy Shaw, another CC mom — Apr 5, 2015 11:21pm

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  15. Wendi, thanks for being human and sharing this. We are all, after all simply human. It's what makes us strong and able to manage so much craziness and keep moving on somehow.
    Our prayers and thoughts are constantly with your family.

    By Steven Carper — Apr 5, 2015 11:02pm

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  16. Do what you need to do to get through. You will get through. You have strong arms holding you up.

    By Peggy & Steve Coquet — Apr 5, 2015 10:59pm

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  17. What you are doing now as from the moment your first child drew breath is parenting. You. Are performing in one of the greatest challenges you will ever face in this role. You may feel numb of course. But this is not forever. This is just for now. Be the exceptional parent you always have been honey. Your family and friends certainly understand. Ps being numb is not the same as frozen. I love you with all my heart. You were my first child so to speak.
    I hate that mark or any child had to go through this but I also know that there is no one else who is better or more competent yo care for him than you are.

    By karin — Apr 5, 2015 10:51pm

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  18. Wendy, what a beautiful post . Your honesty will help every one, including you, a lot and be assured of our prayers, fatr into the future, for Mark, for you, for your family.God bless you all, during this blessed Easter season.

    By Judy and Tim Capistrant — last edited Apr 5, 2015 10:46pm

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  19. Oh, Wendi, if I was there I would give you a big bear hug. I wish I could take all the pain you and your family are dealing with now away. All I can do is say prayers for you, Mark and the whole family, and I do. I also have a ton of friends from a forum we belong to praying for you as well. You are doing what you need to do, taking care of Mark, so don't worry about not posting a lot. Post when you have the time and feel up to it. We are all interested in how things are going, but we do understand that your priority is Mark and your family. We all love you.

    By Cooki — Apr 5, 2015 10:36pm

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  20. Wendi, you are doing a phenomenal job dealing with all of this craziness. I wish that I could "sub" for you on occasion so that you could rest. I can't imagine what you (and Mark) are going through. I DO know that you needn't apologize for anything. I continue to pray for Mark's healing and comfort along the way. I am also amazed at your sweet grace. I love you sister. ♥

    By Aunt Susie — Apr 5, 2015 10:34pm

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  21. Wendi, I could not even imagine what you are going through. I wish no one goes through hardship ever! I hope you know how much we love you and we are patient until you can tell us how we can jump to action to love on you and your family. This too will pass.

    By Katja — Apr 5, 2015 9:57pm

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  22. Oh Wendy. My heart hurts for you. Numb is okay. Numb is right where our God is meeting you and holding your hand. HE knows. Don't worry about all of us here-- REALLY! I will be praying for your heart. Your mama heart along with all the other billions of pieces...... Hold tight. don't try to "live up to" just be where you are. ((hug)) love to you all.

    By Amity — Apr 5, 2015 9:17pm

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  23. Friend, no apologies are necessary. We are your "Aaron's". Near and far we are praying for you when you cannot. Holding you up when you cannot. My heart breaks over this horrible cancer and wish I could do more. One of the few times I wish I was still in Dallas...

    By Amy McIlhaney — Apr 5, 2015 7:40pm

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  24. Numbess is what is protecting you and allowing you to keep going strong. You are doing exactly the right things at the right times. We will all be here when you need to come here and write. Don't feel pressured to keep everyone in the know. It's ok. Prayers for you and yours.

    By monica przybyl — Apr 5, 2015 7:40pm

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  25. Of course you are numb, Wendi. You have too much to manage. There isn't time to feel pain or to go to pieces. You will be numb until it is over, or at least until you get home and can start to relax in your husband's arms before the next round begins. Trust God to hold you up for now and help you to take care of all of your responsibilities. And let Jim help you as much as possible.

    By Much love, Mom/Grandma Crook — Apr 5, 2015 7:25pm

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  26. Wendi...there is no measuring stick. You are human. You are a mom with a sick little boy. Give yourself permission to be who you need to be to walk this journey with him and your family. Whatever that looks like and however that changes from day to day or moment to moment. Forgive yourself when you slip and allow yourself time to appreciate moments, grieve, worry, rest, and rejoice. I love you my sweet friend and if hauling all of you guys to a mountain far away would stop this in its tracks, I would pile you into my Yukon and drive you there myself!

    By Angel S. — Apr 5, 2015 7:16pm

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  27. Xoxo thank you for articulating the numbness. I haven't gone through cancer, but I know how I feel caring for my daughter with special needs and my sister with acute Lyme disease. I will pray for you sister!

    By Janet Isenberg — Apr 5, 2015 7:09pm

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  28. Dear Sweet Wendi, Of course you are numb. Your trials are great and as a mother, you HAVE to be strong. And you are doing an amazing job of managing all the stresses and trial in your life and taking care of your little ones like a BOSS! You are doing the absolute best you can under your circumstances and I think you are doing very well with it. We would love to hear more, only because each of us wishes first off that this was not happening, but barring that, we wish we could all be RIGHT THERE to walk with you and Mark and the rest of your family, by your side, holding your hand or better yet, taking it all away from you. But... we cannot. So we glue ourselves to our computers, looking for updates so that we at least feel like we know what is going on.

    Wendi, you are going to get through this. Don't try to please everyone, just do what you have to do and whatever else you CAN do without stressing yourself out over it. Most importantly, tag team with Jim or take advantage of any outlet you can to get some YOU time to decompress, every day if possible. You are amazing! We love you very much. Big hugs for you. Mark, Bella and Jim.

    By Karen — Apr 5, 2015 6:53pm

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  29. I love you.

    By Love Nana Heiss — Apr 5, 2015 6:52pm

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