What I didn't expect...

(originally posted by Wendi)

Last Friday night, Mark and I got on an airplane in Houston, heading for a brief layover in Denver, and then continuing home. It was an uneventful set of flights, and we touched down a bit late, but safely, around 12:30 AM Saturday morning.  It has been good to be home, and things have picked up again, almost as if we were never gone, but there have been a few things which I didn't expect.

I didn't expect to feel claustrophobic on the roads. 
We live in the country, 6 miles of curvy two lane road out of town. The trees and brush grow right up to the road in parts; in other places, cliffs adorn one side. Most of it runs along a beautiful river. I have always loved the drive along this road. This time, however, it scared me. Even with my husband driving 20 miles an hour slower than usual, it still scared me. After two months spent on the wide open roads of Houston, our little forest road was terrifying.

I didn't expect to have forgotten so much about my home.
I was surprised to walk into my house and find that I had forgotten how it looked. It was almost like visiting someone else's home after a move. The items looked familiar, and were even in familiar places, vaguely. But many things seemed completely new - mostly things we had changed after Mark's diagnosis. The desk that had been my husband's grandfather's, which we had received in early January, topped with pictures frames I had compulsively filled with pictures before Mark's tumor surgery, in order to have something to remind me of him in case he didn't make it through. The playpen in the living room belonging to my grandson who was born one week before that same surgery. There were other things I had forgotten as well. I needed to leave early in the morning, and so I began to lay out clothes for the next day (as I had in Houston each night), looking through my bags for a specific outfit. I became increasingly frustrated over the next 20 minutes as I could not find what I was looking for, until I decided to give up and just wear the pants I had worn that day. I grabbed my pajamas out of one of the bags and headed into my closet to change. I was very surprised to see clothing in there. I had a complete wardrobe waiting for me - all of the clothes I had not taken with me to Houston. I had forgotten that they existed.

I didn't expect home to be easy.
I had expected to be overwhelmed by stepping back into my "normal" life. By the end, RMH and Houston had become easy and comfortable. Chores every night. Dishes hand washed or in the dish washer as soon as you're done eating. Most meals provided. Appointments every day. Stairs to go up and down to get to anything. People to stop and speak with each time I left the room. These things had become second nature. I was afraid that taking care of my home and my children, teaching, fixing meals, managing schedules, cleaning and increased amounts of laundry - all of these things seemed overwhelming as I headed home. However, as I woke up Monday morning (the weekend was filled with traveling on Saturday and visiting on Sunday), all of the things I learned while in Houston combined with all of the things I've always done, and the morning passed by easily and efficiently. The afternoon and evening were the same. Today, my second day into "home" life again, has proceeded much the same. The habits I gained have been helpful. And here there are no stairs to climb to get to everything, nor are there daily appointments at this time. I have been blessed to step back into my life with ease - a blessing, I believe, from God.

I didn't expect to cause worry and frustration with my presence.
I hoped my children would be thrilled I was home. They were, and it is wonderful to all be together again. However, at moments, my efforts to be "wanted" have backfired. I began Monday with a cleaning spree. Most of it was out of habit, but some of it, deep down, was because I hoped my children would look around and think "wow. This is awesome. I'm so glad Mom is back." Isn't it interesting how differently things seem from different perspectives. My attempt to earn my children's appreciation came across as disapproval for the work that was done in my absence. I was only thinking about my emotions and my need to be validated; I completely ignored the identical needs of my children. I also had missed my grandson. He was only one month old when I left, and I wanted to prove that I'm a good grandma, plus I'd missed him. This has resulted in my taking the baby frequently. My daughter has been happy to allow this, but last night she confided that she was worried that at some point the baby may decide he likes me better. My efforts to win smiles and cause giggles had briefly unsettled my sweet daughter who is an amazing mommy. Trying to fit all our lives back together again has been harder than expected.

I didn't expect Mark to have such a hard time transitioning home.
Mark had missed home a lot. I thought it would be a relief to him to be in familiar surroundings with his family. Home, however, can be loud and busy after the relative quiet of our room at RMH. Plus, it comes with increased expectations. Family meals, daily chores, school, screen time restrictions: all these things hold a permanent place in our home. I was rather lax with Mark as far as expectations go during chemo/radiation, but now that we are home, he is expected to do as much as possible each day. His siblings have wants and needs that are not always compatible with his desires. Many people living together requires patience and compromise. His younger siblings still act like small children (which they happen to be). Mark has found all of this to be frustrating.

Often times our expectations differ from reality, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Living with cancer is living with a life full of things that differ from our expectations.

This journey is constantly teaching me that we may think we know what is coming, but we only really know what we expect. Tomorrow, next month, next year - they will likely all be full of surprises, full of things we didn't expect.