Tonight

Today started with another episode of vomiting along with a long nose bleed. We changed his meds around again and he got another transfusion of platelets. Then he spiked a fever. They took blood for a culture, but in the mean time he's on a new set of antibiotics via iv for at least 48 hrs. We also asked them midday to start giving him some morphine. He's been able to rest peacefully since then; no more moaning.

Frank came to relieve me tonight. I packed up all of my stuff, briefed him on all the "important"things he needed to know, and made it as far as the door of the room before I completely broke down crying. Other than the 2 nights I was sick after his second surgery I have been with Mark for every appt, hospital stay, etc, and I wasn't ready emotionally to let go of that. I'm not sure about all of the psychological reasons, but I just couldn't do it. My sweet husband held me while I cried, called home to explain the situation (because I couldn't bear to hear disappointment in my other children's voices), and went home to look after everyone.

I feel like it's a control thing - there is really nothing we can control about what is happening to our child, but I can do this one set of things: I can sit by him, argue for him, help him, hold the vomit bag for him. I can wipe his face when he's sick and lean in close to hear his words that are barely a whisper at this point because of the pain in his throat. These are the things I can do for him, and I wasn't ready to let that go tonight.